


Kaleidoscope: Fragments

by Karashiae



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Drabble/Oneshot Collection, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-07-13
Packaged: 2017-12-19 06:38:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karashiae/pseuds/Karashiae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just like shards of lightning.</p>
<p>[All characters, mostly gen]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. midnight

**Author's Note:**

> Themes taken from 1sentence community @ LiveJournal. Set Gamma. Borderline Eren/Mikasa, if you want to.
> 
> Characters belong to Hajime Isayama.

Mikasa never sleeps. Or so he thinks.

At least, she never sleeps when he is around, when he is awake. Things like this are not uncommon back when they still had home – it was always her who woke before dawn and stayed up past midnight, doing dishes and cooking and sometimes just staying silent. He thought it was a women’s thing, considering how much time she and his mother spent talking to each other in the dim light outside of his window, whispering something he could not quite catch and letting it fade into the dark like some tangling threads of thin smoke.

But sometimes she was just alone, curling up ever so lonely in their couch and sinking in the silence and for one second he thought she was going to cry. No, his Mikasa wouldn’t cry. But his Mikasa wouldn’t let herself go either, always self-binding in some kind of duty that he never understood, from chores to protecting him. As if she was paying some debt, one barrier that separated her from the real daughter she was supposed to be, carefree and sweet.

He still believed it was a women’s thing, until he thinks that maybe it is only a Mikasa’s thing. Now that their parents have gone – her parents have gone twice, he reminds himself – there is no mother or such for her to spend the night with. Still she stays up late, sometimes in his room and sometimes in hers, and even though he can never actually witness he knows that still she is lonely. There are no dishes or cooking for her to do now, no books to read, no attacks that should be wary about. There is only her, fully clothed but naked to her core being, and in his dreams he often sees her looking out of the window, eyes yearning for something that has long died in the moonlight. Times like that he wants to reach out so bad, to tell her that he is here for her, that she shouldn’t be lonely and should smile more like never before. But the moron he is never does, always retreating to the shadow of his mind, vaguely reminding himself that this hand almost killed her once and these eyes used to show no mercy.

She never spoke a word about the accident. He never had the guts to ask her about it, either, despite her denying his crime in front of others and his horrifying realization.

What marred her pretty features is something unforgivable.

What kind of family is he?

But then again, maybe he has never really been her family.


	2. unknown

Eren isn't fond of her. Or so she thinks.

Said mom, "close proximity always makes hearts part". Apparently so. Back when they were still strangers, he looked at her with even warmer eyes than he does now. Actions more gentle, and words an edge more kind. It makes her wonder in nights alone and days without him that maybe he is not needing her anymore, that perhaps he is now strong enough to step out of her protection and to leave her behind. Leave her desperate, defeated. Alone. Fleeting thoughts, she tells herself, and forces them away very often, but after days thinking she starts to dread the moment they become strangers again.

Sometimes she thinks, maybe it's just the way she acts. Constant nagging, with even more constant protecting. Over time she knows that her every new attempt to protect Eren will just turn out to be one more time treating him like a baby, but life just isn't fair that way and she's scared of what will possibly happen to him once she is not nearby. So be it. Let him hate her. She's willing to pay that price, as long as he is intact, to hate her again like he means it.

But sometimes she thinks, maybe there's something about her look that he just doesn't like. After all, they are different – their _races_ are different; times after times she feels the numbing pain in her arm and is reminded that she is an Oriental, an outcast, the one who doesn't belong. Nine feet underground with the rest of her clan, might be, but never here, never will be here. Annie was right, was detestably right: she's not one of them – her eyes hold no light and hair dark as night can never find its way into a lover's arms. She's not- so of course, of course he would like another girl. Hell, even she would like to be another girl. Someone with bright blonde hair and eyes as blue as his. Someone with a smaller frame, prettier smiles, and knowing how to defeat him without using sheer force. Someone very unlike her.

Someone weak enough for him to protect.

The very one, who she can never become.


	3. hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One-sided Jean/Mikasa. Not really Romance, though.

No one speaks a word about his accident. He doesn't want any, so it's fine.

The first few days after he recovers from his battle, everything is but a blur. Medics come, and leave, and do check-ups. Sasha and Connie deliver his meals daily, but more often than not he has to feed himself. As for his wound, it hurts whenever he looks at it, but they all say that it should be fine, and he thinks so, too.

No one says that he can never be a soldier again, but he knows that they know, and he thinks so, too.

Mikasa visits quite late at night, after dinner, he supposes, because she never accepts anything he offers, little as it is. Sometimes she comes with Eren, sometimes alone. He tries not to mind his uninvited guest, even succeeding once or twice, but most of the times his resolve breaks just as Eren stares at him with something akin to grudging respect and rekindled rivalry.

And most of the times he allows himself a smug look that says, _I'm her hero, not you_.

To which Eren will shoot back, _Yeah, well, she's still the one dragging you back_.

It doesn't matter, Jean thinks. It really doesn't matter.

Because he's here, alive, and she's here, safe.

.

Now that he's relieved from guarding duties and training sessions and scouting missions, Jean finds himself to have quite a lot of free time. It's like having all the time in the world. Nothing changes, because you don't change. Sure, the sky turns different every passing hour and nights bleed into light on a daily basis, but generally, nothing ever changes. Consequently, Jean is bored, and to escape boredom he resorts to thinking, pondering.

About things like what he will do once he gets out of here.

Or what he would give to transform into a Titan right now, because once he's a Titan he sure as hell will be able to grow back several limbs and several lost pieces of dignity.

And here is a funny thing: he might be the loudest of the bunch to talk about how unfair the world is, but this time its unfairness still catches him off-guard. Why, oh why is it not someone else who suffers _this_ , someone, _oh I don't know_ , like those traitorous Annie or Reiner or even Eren? Because surely they won't mind, Jean spits.

Which (he doesn't know how) leads him to remember another unfair thing: him falling for Mikasa, who fell for Eren, who continues to think that he fell for those hideous giants out there. Well, whatever his reason is, he's not going to wake up and realize that Mikasa needs him just as much as he needs his revenge. Which, is utterly stupid, but brilliant at the same time.

Because, with that, Eren gets to keep Mikasa all for himself.

And Jean is back with telling himself to move on, but fails every time, miserably so.

.

The door opens to the left, so naturally anyone should unlock it using his or her left hand, including him.

Except that he didn't.

Maybe that's why with his right arm gone, now, he is struggling so hard to do something supposedly right from the beginning, so hard that he thinks he can cry.

.

"So, how are you doing, man?" Connie invites himself into Jean's house, manners be damned as usual.

"Erm, settling down?"

"Yea, should be. But y'know, you can still be a soldier. Geniuses like us don't give up!"

"Can't believe you're pulling that again. Who's the genius here anyway?"

"No, I mean it. You're awesome, man! Still are! Who gives a crap about those gears, I mean, you can work just fine in the headquarters planning this and that and we need someone like you. Armin's good, but he's no good, because he doesn't have your guts."

That's the longest coherent thing he has ever heard Connie say, but his friend still misses a point right there. Point is, he doesn't want to be back.

Not that he will say it out loud.

"...Here. Have some tea."

.

Mikasa comes visit regularly, though he should know better to get his hopes up, again, again, again. He should. Because while he _knows_ that she only has eyes for Eren like she has always, the compassion in her eyes sometimes is evident enough for him to pretend that he sees love.

Occasionally, he spots guilt. Occasionally, he tells her that it's not her fault, and the last thing she needs right now is more responsibilities. Most of the times she doesn't listen. But then again, maybe that's the reason he is so in love with her, even helplessly so, and a small, selfish part of him cannot deny that he kinda wants her to have those responsibilities, as for now they are the only thread that connects the two of them.

Jean has ever been the loud one, so loud it never occurred to him that he might actually like the silence around Mikasa. They do talk, of course, often with Jean starting the conversation and Mikasa ending it shortly afterward. Not that he minds, nor does he think she's acting dismissively, either. She's just that way. And he is fond enough of her to also be fond of other things about her, small, little, petite things that smell of elegance and freedom and the skies she soars through.

"I'm sorry," she says, every once in a while.

"Nah, don't be," he says. "I just did what you would." _For Eren_ , he silently adds, but decides that it's too bitter to be spoken out loud.

"...It's been three years." She changes the subject.

"Yeah," he nods, not understanding what she really means, but trying his best to guess anyway. Maybe she's telling him to move on, maybe not. Who knows? He never knows Mikasa that well, but now that he thinks about it no one has ever known Mikasa really well. Eren could have (if he tried to) but no, he still does not. It's kinda sad, because he knows that while she cannot (and does not) care for many, once she does, she often cares so much that it hurts. She deserves more, much much more, and it dully aches inside of him because he is never the one to give her what she needs. Not that she allows him to, anyway.

"Oi, Mikasa!" he hears Eren from outside, immediately cursing because why the hell can't the bastard stay _outside_ of his life forever? It's no use, though, because his voice is cutting in again. For one second Jean thinks he sees Eren's eyes narrowed. "Armin is waiting. Hurry up."

"No word for me?" He attempts at a snicker, but it comes out drier than expected. "Well, whatever. Take care."

She probably doesn't hear his last words, since she has already left for Eren, both of them leaving without sparing him so much as a glance.

.

Time flies, as they always say, and as he reaches and goes through his twentieth year, he starts thinking less about the past.

His old teammates – friends now – keep him updated about what is going on. Beyond these walls, beyond mankind's greatest hope. Not that he asks them to, but he lets them nevertheless, as the token of their friendship.

He never shows it, but he's glad to know that most of them are still alive. Most, but that's fine enough. All have gained nasty scars and Connie lost an eye, but the man doesn't seem troubled, and Jean doesn't want to press him anyway.

And it seems that the life out there is brighter than it used to be, despite all the more dangerous campaigns accompanied by more dangerous battles. It used to make his heart pump, he remembers, more fondly than he should because he knows his place and he also knows that it's not out there, no matter how many times he wants things to change.

But God knows how much he wants things to change.

Then, Mikasa visits him again after a long mission, battered and bruised and bleeding but, thank God, not broken. He doesn't know why, but he doesn't care. At last she's here. Safe. Offering him one of her rare smiles.

She smiles.

All of his buried emotions spring back to life almost at once.

"Why are you here?" He manages, looking bewildered and happy and promptly ignoring the growing cheers outside.

"...We...won," she breathes. "...Small...district,...but...we won."

In his daze, she collapses, and even though he catches her in time his heart still refuses to stop pounding so violently. He doesn't know why, but he doesn't care. First true victory in centuries – she's a part in it, they're a part in it, and he's –

"Why are you here?" He sputters at last.

"Come back, Jean..." She says. "...Come back."


End file.
